My 3-year-old’s pre-school teacher pulled me aside one day after school. My daughter and a friend had been putting dolls in their dresses, pretending to be pregnant, then pulling the dolls out from between their legs, and then pretending to breastfeed. “We weren’t sure what to do!” the perplexed teacher laughed. Eventually, she said, the teachers decided to redirect the girls into a different activity.
Our American society has exceptionally varied approaches towards talking to young children about pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. As a pediatrician who frequently attends infant deliveries, I have seen toddlers, tweens, and teens present at vaginal deliveries. I have also met parents who request that I not discuss the body changes of puberty with a girl who has started her menstrual cycle.
Even I dreaded that classic big brother/big sister question, “But Mommy, how does the baby come out?” When my six year-old asked at the dinner table in front of our four and two year old, I was relieved by the spontaneous answer of my husband, “Through mommy’s vagina.” “How does the baby fit,” he asked? My husband had an even better answer for this one—“It’s just like a pulling a turtle neck over your head. The vagina stretches.” My three children were surprisingly fine with this answer. Satisfied, they switched to a different topic of conversation.
I thought back to all the children I have seen present during vaginal deliveries. They never seem upset or traumatized. As a breastfeeding mother, I have become accustomed to the stares of young children when I nurse a newborn in public. They are intrigued, and some have even gone so far as peak under my nursing cover. They never seem upset by what they find.
So if young children do so well with the concepts of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, why are we, as a society, often so averse to the topic? I suspect it is in part due to the close proximity of these topics to sexuality.
Some early childhood experts have started to suggest discussion of intercourse and adult sexuality with toddlers. There are even toddler picture books in publication that describe intercourse. I feel it is almost never necessary to try to discuss adult sexuality with toddlers. But young children happily desire to learn about pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. This information is infrequently upsetting. Perhaps it may even be easier to joyfully understand these topics when learned as a young child compared to an older child.
What do you think? When is it appropriate to discuss pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding with a young child? How have you introduced these topics?
Parenting • Jun 15, 2011
Talking to Toddlers about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Breastfeeding
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It’s probably not harmful and completely unnecessary. To each, their own.
I have a 3 year old, a 19 month old and a 5 month old. My 3 year old was present while I was laboring with my 19 month old but was fast asleep for the night by the time I delivered. She wanted to be there when my 5 month old was born and after thinking about it and discussing it with my husband and midwife I decided it was fine. I explained to her what would happen and that it would hurt Mommy for a little while. She wasn’t surprised at anything and was right beside me as her Daddy caught her baby sister and lifter her to my chest. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
As for breastfeeding, it’s a natural part of life. I have breastfed all of my children and never tried to hide it from them. They understand that the baby’s sole food source is the milk my body produces for her and that’s perfectly normal to them. I find that kids really don’t get overly concerned about things if we don’t dramatize them.
I totally support and encourage giving a child as much information as he or she desires. For my little girl that was a lot of information and she has taken time to digest it all and comes back later to ask more questions. At the same time, if a child isn’t interested I’m not going to sit them down and give them a lecture. I think how much information and when depends on the parents and child but I certainly don’t think this information needs to be kept a secret from a child.
By the way, I love the way your husband explained child birth! Very wise answers.
Agree!! There are age appropriate ways to discuss these things whole not lying or acting shocked or embarrassed. As kids get older you can be more detailed or specific, but like you said most kids are pretty satisfied with a matter-of-fact answer. My 3 yr old sees me nurse his baby brother at home without a cover. I nursed my oldest until he was 20m but he doesn’t remember. I joke with him asking “Do YOU want to nurse?” and he says “no, babies nurse.” And he will regularly mention that brother is “eating” and asks when he’ll be “all done” etc. I tell him that babies drink milk from their mommies and that’s how they get their food. He has seen me nurse uncovered for almost a full year now and is not bothered by it at all. I’m sure there will come an age that I will be more discreet about it in front of him (if we have more kids later on). I’m kind of looking forward to his toddler questions down the road , I love hearing how he thinks!